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During Monday night's telecast of the Tennnessee-UCLA game, ESPN's Holly Rowe reported from the sideline that the Tennessee players were scampering around in between series swapping out wristbands. You know, the ones that the players refer to when calling plays? Yeah, those. When asked about it this week, coach Fulmer responded that he had no idea what they were talking about, and so we have no satisfying explanation about what really happened.

I've a theory.

The Wiz of Odds reported a couple of weeks ago that Alabama had paid the Pacific Institute almost four full days of Nick Saban's salary ($39,000) to wash the brains of Crimson Tide football players. Well, based on Alabama's murderous performance against Clemson last weekend, spring fresh brains apparently make killer football players. So I'm guessing that what happened with The Great Wristband Controversy of 2008, Week One is that Alabama players, thinking more clearly than they ever have before, endeavored to not only use their new tools positively for good, but negatively for bad as well.

That's right. They stole some of Tennessee's playbook wristbands and replaced them with Negative Affirmation Substitutes.

The Attendance Policy Wristbands Should Have Said: "I attend all classes with an open mind and with a positive attitude to learn. I'm excited to learn something new every day! My education is important to me. I'm committed to seizing the opportunities that have been given to me. I maintain a 3.5 GPA. I take the time to study, realizing that it is the reiteration that helps me to assimilate what it is I’m learning."

The Negative Affirmation Substitutes Actually Said: "I will attend a class. Maybe. I will have a positive attitude and a mind entirely devoted to the possibility of sleeping in the back row. I am excited to get home and play my XBox. My education is important to someone. I'm committed to squandering the opportunities that have been given to me. I maintain a GPA. It takes time to study. I don't know, nor do I care, what the words "reiteration" or "assimilate" mean."

These were given to Brent Vinson and Donald Langley.

The Offensive Linemen's Wristbands Should Have Said: "I am an excellent pass blocker. My technique is perfect. I stay low creating a solid base while establishing balance. I sustain my blocks, providing my QB time to complete every pass. My drive blocking is outstanding. I create holes in the defense by driving my opponent off the line of scrimmage. I then use my body to wall off my opponent, preventing him from making the tackle."

The Negative Affirmation Substitutes Actually Said: "I was an excellent pass blocker last year. My technique was perfectly fine because Erik Ainge got rid of the ball so fast. I stand like a Grizzly Bear and roar, intimidating opponents with my size right up until they knock me on my butt. I sustain my blocks until the pass rusher gets around me, providing my QB a full three-quarters of a second to make a decision and execute. I create holes by being driven off the line of scrimmage. I then use my body to unstick the QB from the turf.

The Receivers Wristbands Should Have Said: "I run my routes with precision. I blow by the defender, creating separation. I look the ball into my soft but strong hands, securing it and then I run to daylight. I catch every ball that’s thrown my way and I celebrate when my number is called because I am a big playmaker."

The Negative Affirmation Substitutes Actually Said: "I run my routes with precision. I blow by the defender, creating separation. I look for the ball, but it is ten yards away."

The Defensive Backs Wristbands Should Have Said: "I frustrate receivers because I stick to them like glue. I remain calm and relaxed and seek all opportunities to make big plays. Because I am a student of the game of football, I recognize routes as they unfold and always position myself to defend and/or intercept the pass. I'm skilled, I'm fast and I am an aggressive force to be reckoned with. I am a fantastic open-field tackler. I play suffocating defense all the time!"

The Negative Affirmation Substitutes Actually Said: "I frustrate fans because I am like glue in a bottle. Ready, willing, and able to adhere to a receiver but never actually squirted out and applied by the coaching staff when the game is on the line. I remain calm and relaxed because I am nowhere near any offensive player when the ball is snapped. Because I am a student of the game of football, I recognize routes as they unfold. I'm skilled, I'm fast, and I am an aggressive force to be reckoned with. But glue in a bottle, man. Glue in a bottle."

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Here's the roll call for last week's Tennnessee-UCLA open game thread. LOUthe METfan gets a point for the most comments, and I'm giving a point to wvvol for this astute observation:

If he has puts his mouthpiece in, it's a QB draw

 

Something to look for.

On to the Pregame Guesses. First, the answers:

1. How many times does Gerald Jones line up at QB (within one)? Leave it to me to ask a question that is difficult to verify. I count three: The stats say that Jones ran it twice, and I remember him handing off to Foster once as well. Somebody correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the final number was three. Only two people missed this, one who guessed five, and one who guessed six. Note to self: with small numbers, don't use ranges.
   
2. Who gets an interception first? Eric Berry, Demetrice Morley, somebody else, or no one? That'd be Somebody Else, or DeAngelo Willingham.
   
3. How many total yards does Arian Foster gain (within 20)? 108 (96 rushing and 12 passing).

And so, drumroll, standings after Week One:

Please, if I've made an error, let me know.

As in "very brief."

The extras are over at MGoBlog. Full poll after the jump.

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FunOfficePools seems to working quite well except for the fact that I'm currently ranked 24th, so let's ditch ESPN for now and just use FOP. Don't forget to make your picks this week. The machine says they're due in two days, but there's a Thursday night game on there, so unless you want the default pick (Vanderbilt over South Carolina), I'd get 'em done today. As in now.

[Note by Joel, 09/04/08 9:20 AM EDT ] Message from Fun Office Pools: "Note: If you have the South Carolina/Vandy game in your pool [we do. -- ed.], picks are due Thursday. Also note that the LSU/Troy game has been canceled. If it is in your WEIGHTED pool [it is. -- ed.], assign it to the 1 point game as no points will be credited for this game."

Best stiff arm. Arian Foster, on some poor unsuspecting defender. Really, there's little more satisfying than a well-executed stiff arm, as it leaves the would-be tackler grasping at air through contorted face on swiveled head.

Best wrinkle. Arian Foster's run out of the G-Gun. So yeah, that's three plays we have out of that set now. See Gerald run. See Gerald pass. See Gerald hand off to Arian for a nice 41-yard gain.

Worst Sequel. Arian Foster Fumbles the Game Away in the Red Zone, Part II. Or is it three? Four? Oy. Unlike most horror movie sequels, this one got old immediately. Like, the first time.

Best hit. Who else? Eric Berry absolutely leveled some poor soul in Baby Blue. In my over-excitement at the carnage, my dear old dad observed that, yeah, but the guy caught the ball. To which I counter-observed that, yeah, but he won't catch the next one.

Worst nickname. Clawfense. Uh-huh. Shelving and hoping it will keep.

Best unit. The Tennessee defense, who wreaked havoc for a time, picking passes out of the air like they were, oh, I don't know, bubbles or something, and who actually scored a safety that wasn't called.

Worst consistency. The same defense. Or was it a different defense? Either way, where'd you go, guys? Two halves, next time, mmkay?

Worst attendance, I. Brent Vinson and Donald Langley. We could have used those guys, especially Vinson, I think.

Worst attendance, II. UCLA. That was a big game, folks. Not only was it not a sell-out, it was nowhere in the vicinity of a sell-out. Go see your team, people. They're good. At least I hope they're good because if they're not, well, watch for Worst Attendance, III in a month or so.

Best comedy. Some players were wearing the wrong wristbands? Huh? What's the story there? Clawson up in the box reading off one script, Jim Bob Cooter relaying the plays off another, and poor Jonathan Crompton executing off another?

Clawson: Run to the right, on three!

Cooter: Got it. Pass to the left, on one!

Crompton: Got it. Sack, on two!

Best comedy, II. Arian Foster tackling his own quarterback. What wristband was he wearing?

Best defensive play. Going with Nevin McKenzie's pick six here. Man, that was nice to see. More, pretty please.

Biggest mystery. Dennis Rogan has some "undisclosed injury." "Undisclosed" generally means "bad." Hope I'm wrong.

Best MSM post-game line. GVX's Dave Hooker, who said that "Tennessee's defense was at work on Labor Day, but it clocked out early." Mmm-mmm.

Worst forecast. Cloudy. Chance of thunderstorms. And hurricanes, gnats, frogs, and locusts.

What else you got?

Now you can make your own animated drive chart and embed it on your own site by going to the RTT Animated Drive Chart Code Generator. Okay, it needs a better name, but there it is.

SB Nation bloggers, the medium size (the default) won't fit nicely onto your front page in narrow mode, so if you want that size, you'll need to put it on inside pages after the jump. The smaller size will fit nicely onto your front page in narrow mode, but won't be as nice to look at. Your choice. Either way, there's a link just below the charts that readers can click on to wach the thing in full screen mode. Bloggers on other platforms, email me if you'd like to have other sizes available. Report any data problems or bugs (this is still pretty much in beta) to rockytoptalk@gmail.com.

Because Tennessee played on Monday night this week, there is no data yet for the game, but this is what we were hoping the Clawfense would look like:

[Note by Joel, 09/03/08 7:54 AM EDT ] Okay, so maybe not "nicely" onto the front page. Will fix that soon.

This week's RTT SEC Power Poll. Check in with Garnet and Black Attack for the cumulative results later this week.

What are these numbers? See below.